I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize