I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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