I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
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My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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