I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
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Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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