So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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