I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
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sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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