i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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