Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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