I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
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At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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