woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize