Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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