Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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