My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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