Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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