she woke up with a sticky ear
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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