I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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