guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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