I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This toilet bowl is my home.
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