got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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