You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
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Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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