I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You smell like stripper and shame
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
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It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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