Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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