It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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