as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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