you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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