i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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