My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
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speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
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We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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