If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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