my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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