just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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