from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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