I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
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What drink are we having for lunch?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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