You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Text me some of your sweat
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