He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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