walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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