You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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