i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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