I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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