I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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