I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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