God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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