I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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