Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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