I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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