I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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