i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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