Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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