I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize