I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
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i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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