I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
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Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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